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In this issue:
Last time, I sent you a short questionnaire to fill in that will help you to understand your own preferences for making sense of the world.
Remember that people give away clues in their speech about how they make sense of the world:
You can begin to develop rapport with anybody by noticing the type of language they are using and matching it - using the same style.
When they hear you speak like this, unconsciously they will think that you are just like them (because you describe the world the same way) and because "like likes like", this will build rapport.
Use the attachment to understand your own preferences - V A K or Ad -and then listen to yourself talking. This will help you to develop greater rapport with yourself…
BONUS TIP: Now that you know your natural preference for describing the world, make sure that you practice using the other language styles so that you are comfortable using all of them.
It will really power up your communication if you make a habit of using rich, sensory language that appeals to all your listeners.
When I'm training people in rapport skills I ask them to sit in small groups and practice telling a story using the different language styles.The first person does two sentences in Visual, the next two sentences in Auditory and so on…it’s a great way to develop your skills.
If you can’t find the attachment, mail me and I’ll send you another one.
And to find out more about our training’s, drop mea line.
You may remember from Day 2 that the second most important part of how we communicate meaning is our verbal behaviour - the tone, volume, speed and pitch of our voice.
Now it is a bit hard to get this across via email, which incidentally is the reason that email is such a poor medium for meaningful communication.We rely on voice tone and body language for 93% of our communication so email leaves us a bit stuck.
Having said that, if you are not coming along to one of our training’s,here are a couple of hints for matching voice tone.
Different voices surround you all the time and the basic process for building rapport is - notice what people are doing and then match it.
So…
Listen out for the speed which people use. On average, a more visual person will talk faster while a kinaesthetic person takes a slower,thoughtful approach.
Practice varying your voice - put your hand on your throat and talk from there, then on your chest, then on your stomach. What does your voice sound like coming from the different places?
Now you can experiment with matching others - when you encounter someone who speaks more slowly than you, just speak from lower down in your ribcage. This will naturally slow down your voice and give a natural match.When you talk with someone who speaks faster than you, just move your voice up nearer your throat and you will naturally speed up.
Remember that the secret of rapport is showing people that you are just like them because people like people who are like them.
Something amazing happens when two or more people are in rapport with each other.
Look around you in a bar, restaurant or even at work and you will seethe hidden dance of rapport. When rapport is happening, peoples bodies start to synchronise their movements.
You’ll see them lean forward at the same time, their legs will be crossed the same way, they’ll raise their glass at the same time etc.
Sometimes it will be more like a dance where someone moves their hand and shortly afterwards, the other person moves their hand.
Sometimes people will match each other - both move their right hand - and sometimes people will be a mirror image of each other - you raise your right hand and I’ll move my left hand - just as if I was looking in a mirror.
This dance is the reason that you can’t cheat rapport. Remember it’s unconscious to most people, most of the time, and when you notice it, you know that you have rapport.
So, here’s the BIG QUESTION about getting rapport with anybody - if the result of rapport is this hidden dance or synchronised movements then could it also work the other way round? In other words could you use synchronised movements to create rapport?
The answer is YES IT DOES and YES YOU CAN!
As we've seen, a massive 55% of the way we communicate meaning is via our physiology so when we use our bodies to match and mirror what others are doing then we are massively communicating that "I'm just like you,you can like me."
So how do you start?
The easiest way to begin is to use the process we've been looking at all along - notice first, then match.
Take it a day at a time:
Also start to notice what you are doing with your body.
Experiment with generally matching their body positions - stand up when they are stood up, lean when they lean, raise your drink at the same time etc.
Here’s a warning though - in our culture close mimicry is known as "taking the p**ss". So DO NOT MIMIC.
Do it like this instead. If someone leans in to talk to you, then you lean in slowly when it’s your turn to talk - think dancing rather than copying.
On Day 4 I’ll give you the advanced tips for this process but for now,start by noticing what the people around you are doing with their bodies and experiment with some gentle matching.
Learning to build rapport like this can have dramatic results.
Coming back home on the Tube one day I decided to experiment. I was standing up and opposite me was a man busy minding his own business as people do on the Tube.
I wanted to see if I could get him to talk to me without speaking to him or staring at him.
So, I slowly shifted my body into position so that I was his complete mirror image, even down to the expression on my face. After a few minutes and just before he got off, he suddenly smiled and came over and talked to me - a shared joke about the delays. I can’t remember exactly but it was the kind of comment you make to someone who sees things the same way as you.
I know of a trainer who regularly got his lunch paid for by betting people that he could make strangers talk to him in a restaurant using similar processes.
This rapport stuff is powerful and can work instantly when you get good at it - be careful who you build rapport with!
Use the attachment to understand your own preferences.
Notice the speed and location of peoples voices - move your voice around your upper body to match them.
Notice what the bodies around you are doing and experiment with some gentle matching.
Who would you like more rapport with? - your boss, partner, children, suppliers etc. Begin to notice what they are doing and think about how you could match it.
Here’s what’s coming up:
That’s it for this time.
Do mail us with your comments, questions, advice or requests for information.
By the way - if you’re liking the ecourse then please let me have your comments.
Thanks!
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