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In this issue:
In a famous study, people were asked "how do you know when someone likes you?".
When the replies were analysed it turned out that there were three important areas that people used to understand what other people were communicating.
These were…
Which do you think is the most important?
That’s right, body language. In fact other studies have confirmed that we give different weight to these areas when we want to work out what people are communicating to us.
So looking at this, 93% of communication is non-verbal and if this is the case then we ought to pay more attention to non-verbal communication than we usually do.
You know this is true in your own experience - remember when your mum would say your name one way and it meant everything was fine. When she said it another way though, it was time to hide! Same word, different tone.
You also know that if someone who is having a very good time walks into the room, you can tell without them using any words - their body speaks loud and clear.
Here’s the important point about rapport though. In general conversation and communication most of us are so busy concentrating on what we say that we are barely aware of the voice tone and body language.
From Day 3 we are going to look at using body language to build greater rapport but for now, let’s concentrate on the words.
Remember that the secret of rapport is showing people that you are just like them because people like people who are like them.
People who are like each other tend to flock together and share similar language, voice tone, gestures and interests etc.
So the process for building rapport is to notice what people are doing and then match their behaviour to reassure them that you are the same as them.
When it comes to the least remarkable piece of communication, the words, there is plenty we can match. Think about the people you want to build greater rapport with and consider the following:
Key words and phrases - do they use certain key words and phrases over and over again? Work a few of them into your speech.
Common experiences and associations - everything from having children to standing in a queue are experiences common to everyone that you can talk about to build shared meaning with people. Telling jokes is a common way of doing this.
Beliefs and opinions - be careful with this, if you are going to share someone’s beliefs and opinions, then it has to be genuine.
Values - people often talk about what is important to them and look for others who share their values. Seek out areas where you share the values of people you want to build rapport with.
Although words are the least significant part of how we communicate meaning, you would struggle to communicate without them. Make sure you look for ways to match the key phrases, associations, common experiences, beliefs, opinions and values of the people you wish to build rapport with.
Did you know, though, that there is a hidden language that we all use and most people are hardly aware of it?
Have you heard phrases like this before?
"Let’s shed some light on the problem".
"That rings a bell".
"I just can’t grasp what’s going on".
"That makes logical sense to me".
The words people use contain precise clues to what is going on inside their heads.
The more Visual people like to make pictures and use very visual language to describe their world - "lets shed some light on that problem".
The more Auditory people emphasise sound in the way they appreciate the world. They will use the language of sound - "that rings a bell".
The more Kinaesthetic people appreciate the world of touch and feelings.They will use language that matches this - "I feel…" or "I just can’t grasp it".
Then there are some people quite distanced from their experience who describe the world in more neutral and logical terms - "that makes sense to me".
What is remarkable about this is that we all have a preference for one of these ways of appreciating the world that is pretty consistent overtime. You can take a short test to understand what your preference is(see below).
Some of your biggest steps forward in Getting Rapport With Anybody will come as you begin to notice whether people are using more Visual,Auditory, Kinaesthetic or Neutral words and phrases. When you use the same style of words then you enter their world and your communication makes a whole lot more sense to them.
It’s a way of speaking their hidden language.
For example: I was in a project meeting once and witnessed the following conversation:
"You can see the plan and where we intend to go."
"I just can’t get hold of it."
"What do you mean? It’s plain for all to see."
"Yes but there’s nothing concrete to go on."
And so on - quite entertaining to watch someone with a strong visual preference run a meeting with someone with a strong K preference.
You can also use this yourself to make sure that you speak everyone’s language.
"Welcome to today’s meeting about project x. I’d like you to look at the proposal and make sure it looks right (V), if there is anything that doesn’t sound right (A) we need to get a feel for that (K). Above all, does it make sense?"(AD)
Here’s some hints:
This will enable you to begin Speaking Their Language for greatest influence.
There are two attachments:
A list of common VAK phrases to help you notice them along with typical body types that you often see with these preferences.
A short test to establish your preference - I’ll send you the other half with Day 3.
In the meantime, how would you structure an email or open a meeting so that it appealed to people with V, A, K or AD preferences?
Here’s what’s coming up:
That’s it for this time.
Do mail us with your comments, questions, advice or requests for information.
Thanks!
PS - Do you want to leave your job and start your own business? Take a look at my pages…
Do you want to figure out what you really want?
Over the years I have worked as a business planning facilitator, the thing most people struggle with is: What do I really want? What are my guiding values? What’s important to me? This course (7 ways) really puts it all in a nutshell - it is the best I have seen on this topic. It has helped me enormously and its messages will help my clients as well!
Thank you!
Malcolm Ross
First, Know What You Want - OUT SOON. THE workbook for discovering what you really want AND the motivation to go after it.
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Dear Andrew,
I am so grateful for the assistance offered by your book and the follow-up e-course.
I have been struggling to find my vocation because I am kind of frustrated with my current job. I never realised that small little thing like clearing your table, locker etc. can open up new inspirational thoughts that have made me be aware of my surrounding s, and the ability to read situations, how I respond to them and be able to link this to understanding what I am best at.
I have always been the type of person who likes to analyse every situation that I come across, always trying to understand why people do what they do. I never at one time associated this with a skill that I could use to make my life better. I am therefore contemplating taking up studies in psychology as a career.
I thank you so much for your 7 ways workshop.
Kind Regards.
Emma
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